28 May 2014

I've had it with these motha****ing shake-cams in my motha****ing fight scenes

I wanted to show Jenny the first Captain America film before we went to see it, but there is some sort of complication at the Library which was, and still is, stopping that plan.  But since it's apparently the last week of showing, we caved in and went anyway and I filled in Jenny on the missing info.

The next day, it became available. Annoying.

The beginning of the movie was fun.  That entire scene on the freight boat?  Landing on it, knocking out or throwing overboard all the henchmen?  Very fun.  But the boss fight is where it began pissing me off.

The scene was set: Captain America in a hand to hand fight with Georges Batroc.  It was set like a Fighting Game, where they essentially are fighting on a 2D plane against each other.  But then the Director fucked it up by hiring Michael J Fox to hold the camera for every fight scene throughout the movie.

Is it really too much to ask for a steady camera during a fight scene?  I know it's too much to ask for actors to do a perfect fight scene, it's inefficient spending potentially days trying to get one perfect take of choreographed action.  Nobody is perfect, and that's fair.  But this fucking shake cam is killing me.  I want to see the blows, the moves, the throws, the weapon tricks, everything, without getting a fucking headache trying to follow it.

I'll move onto the writing now.  The first film was fantastic.  Every line was spot on, either motivating you or making you laugh.  There was so little of that.  There were badass moments, and a funny casual conversation between the Cap and Kristen Stew-I mean- Black Widow about getting him a date, but otherwise the movie took itself far too seriously.  C'mon, get some more smart ass comments in there.  Don't constantly promote his Badass features, like his inability to let water shoot up his arse when he pencil dives from a few hundred feet.

The story however was very cool, and I really wish I had been watching Agents of SHIELD to keep up with the "Hail Hydra" shenanigans, moreso because of my friend Lucas who forfeited a "You told me so" when it began gaining traction.

The few twists that were in there were great.  I went "Holy Shit" when they revealed Zola.  I also breathed a sigh of relief when they did the sensible thing and just let him continue talking after the Cap punched out a Monitor, instead of letting the whole system just pack it up, as Hollywood find wanting.

Actually, that's what I would say is wrong with the film.  It's a Hollywood Film, not a Marvel film.  They did this, they did that, and made it like a really long sidestory huge action episode of Agents of SHIELD, rather than a Captain America Film.

21 May 2014

All hail the saviour of Pandora: Kenny Baker

I have stepped off a bus and listened to a god; wrangled a calamari, and his son, both of gargantuan proportions into submission; fire-fought with a medically deranged "twin brother" and his lumbering undead minions; undermined the apocalyptic plans of a lackadaisical General under the orders of his toddling superior; and halted the robotic revolution of the century dead in its tracks.

I have brought a tyrant and his corporation defiantly to their knees, and with great pleasure and satisfaction; stared down and destroyed a molten Kaiju; scoured a pirate filled desert and battled ancient monsters for a Legendary Treasure Trove; cut down to size a steroid pumped Coward and his Prehistoric Robot; observed the tragic and pathetic fall and tumble of a mad attention seeking Scientist and the experimental resurrection of his lunatic boss; and saved a Diamond Queen from a Handsome Evil Wizard and his Dragons.

I have married and subsequently killed dimwitted Psychopaths with rifles that loose rocket propelled bullets; prepared for dinner an unbeatable Monstrous Turkey with Caustic Revolvers; melted Snowmen with a Sub Machine Gun that unleashed a seemingly unending clip of Electricity; and ignited hoards of zombies and Pumpkin Headed Bosses with incendiary rockets utilising strange alien technology.

These are the adventurous highlights of Borderlands.  I have experienced these stories several times over, using unique skills such as dropping Turrets that, while chunking away with it's machine gun, pump rockets into whatever corporate soldiers that happen to be in range; turn invisible and either diluting time or distracting enemies with a hologram before surprising canines with cloaca's for mouths with a surprise attack; punch the ever loving shit out of giant arthropods with hardened exoskeletons, or carve them in half with a buzz axe that I keep hitting myself with; unleash an elementally charged hawk or your very own personal robot to deal with more mindless drone bots; suspend Thieves in a paralytic stasis to await their demise; or simply pulled out a second gun and double fist everything.

This year, I will be following two directions.  The future will take me after Borderlands 2 through episodes of "Tales from the Borderlands."  Two characters, neither of whom are Vault Hunters, a first of the setting, will have an adventure of some sort across the region of Pandora which houses all of our heroes.

Then I will be sent back in time in "Borderlands the Pre-Sequel".  And not only that... I'll be sent to the fucking Moon.

Four new characters will accompany me.  Athena the Gladiator, known for being a powerful Assassin of a now defunct Corporate Military and helping the Vault Hunters in hammering the final stake into that Business' Heart, will be joining the fight using a specially designed Captain America Shield, absorbing attacks and then throwing it back into their face.
Nisha the Lawbringer, very easily described as a Wild West Cowgirl, becomes in Borderlands 2 a Sheriff of a small, somewhat deserted town, called Lynchwood, while dating the Tyrant of Tyrants, Handsome Jack.
Wilhelm the Enforcer, commonly known in Borderlands 2 as the personal Bionic Bodyguard of Handsome Jack, famous for having almost defeated the Original Vault Hunters (Roland, Maya, Mordecai and Brick), who is later defeated amongst the wreckage of a train, brought down by an adorable explosive fetishist.
And, known as the most annoying, noisy, and frustrating character of the series, Claptrap the Fragtrap.  Once a Doorman for anyone stepping off a bus, he brought about an entire army of his own kind, attempting to overpower the subjugation they were all forced to, only to be put back down to size as the only member of his kind, and waiting his vengeance to be fulfilled with the association of more Vault Hunters.
These will be the Soldiers of mass murder on the Moon of Pandora.  They will be freezing everyone with Lasers while utilising their Oxygen tanks for further shenanigans, from double jumping to butt stomping your favourite ice sculpture.

This is going to be a fantastic year of Mass Murder.

14 May 2014

Continuing to Cry about Crysis

Just the other day i was looking at Kotaku.com.au and a post came up about a guy who decided to take the highest resolution he could for Crysis 3 and take pretty photos, which was difficult in that he had to change the resolution mid-game to take his photo, because it runs at 2 frames per second while it's at 8k ratio.

And they were stunning photos of the most picturesque scenes, like the Dam.  The Dam is one of the most beautiful levels and it's pretty fun to boot, and the majority of those said photos are from that very level.

But it still makes me cry.  The game still feels a little wasted for opportunity, simply because they have New York in a Dome and they didn't maximise it.  Yes there were big levels, but that's not enough.  Sure you may have been running through th dry banks of Manhattan to support your allies, or driving across desert ruins of suburbs, but that's just not the same.

I remembered a game called Halo: ODST.  It was a spin off from the normal series, much like Halo: Reach, but instead of a Spartan you're an ODST soldier.  The hardcore maniacs of Soldiers.  They die into the fight with piss and vinegar in their veins.

The main story follows the player as he wanders around the open streets and buildings of the city of Mombasaa encountering different events and campaign stories, and fighting groups of enemies while playing a stealth game.

It's fun and while it still has some sections to improve it still executed a good idea.  An idea that Crysis could have executed too if they weren't simply in it for the dough and Multiplayer.

07 May 2014

"What do we want?" "MONSTERPOCALYPSE!"

I miss Monsterpocalypse.  It has been such a long time since I've played it.  Years even, and I found my collection before I came to the US and it brought back memories.

I shared it amongst five of my friends, all taking an alignment each and chipping in on a box and splitting it six ways. Then games went wild, buildings destroyed and Carnidons screaming in terror and pain from the sidelines as they wish they were being played.

But the game kinda... ceased.  It finished off the fifth wave, and that was all since, apart from the occasional special figure at an event.

There were a few problems with the business model that a couple of my friends found were a problem. Whether they contributed to it, I don't know, but the fact that it acted like a collectible game at such a high price rubbed most of us the wrong way.

Its been a good two years since, and I've had some jonesing for Monsterpocalypse since I got here.  I left my stuff at home, and honestly I do not want to go about collecting it again since I do not have the income for it.  But I've been playing a lot of our tablet lately and it got me to thinking.

Why not make a video game out of it?  Privateer Press are already doing the Warmachine Video Game, so why not do a Kickstarter of a Monpoc game?  Earn your Hyper forms by attaining goals, form up your units and organise them on the battlefield, create animations of a Carnidon exploding from a Tank Cannon.  Form up online leagues and conquer countries from coast to coast, and giving buildings their own skins based on the current country too.

It'd be fantastic.  But alas, just another pipe dream, and something that I came up with while playing an iPad and thinking of cool games that would be played by streaming through Apple TV.  Or on a WiiU.